Anyone else every get that feeling when you hug someone and you’re just like “why haven’t I been doing this forever”?

 

And then you realize that you weren’t a liar, but more of an optimist with a relationship.

 

Until you accidentally stumble upon your best friend spilling his guts to you. And then you feel like a liar, but only because you know that’s where you ought to be. 

 

Well at least I can stop lying to myself.

 

Here’s to the boy who called me mom when I convinced myself that my ex got me pregnant.

The boy that put me to sleep when my head wouldn’t let me.

The boy that rubbed my back as sodexo ruined his toilet.

The boy that accidentally kissed my forehead when I left that February.

The boy that moved me into my single, but didn’t think to leave the big stuff out in the hall.

The boy that calls me Hauss.

The boy that refuses to hear the negative Nancy.

The boy that won’t let me date another Russian.

The boy that Momma already loves.

And the boy who can’t fry eggs.

 

I think I like that boy.

Rant

I’ve developed this perception of myself that I’m a really bad and selfish person- probably because people are always telling me that. I’m just getting to a place where I don’t think that’s true. I always try and think of other people when I’m making decisions. Sometimes I mess up, but doesn’t everyone?

Actually, I think I’m a good friend. I try to do things for my friends. I listen to them talk about shit that I don’t actually care about. I support them in their endeavors. I’m there to be cried on. I never bug people when they owe me stupid amounts of money. And then even when they are being fucking awful, insensitive, disrespectful, and hurtful to me, I don’t say anything.

I don’t stick up for myself because I’ve convinced myself that I deserve it.

For once in my life, I’m doing something that is ALL about me. People are going to be very angry about it because it affects them. I really just can’t care anymore. I get so much anxiety over upsetting people, or making them unhappy or angry with me. I don’t do things for myself. I don’t practice enough self care. I need space to just be alone, reflect, and breath.

My heart hurts from caring too much. I feel naive.

I can’t keep going out of my way to do things for people that would NEVER do the same for me.

Fuck. Get me out of here.

A brother’s worst nightmare
Finger slipped around a loop
Tugging closer towards freckles.
You shake.
Are you nervous?
Do I make you-

Interrupted by a smirking mouth.
As suave as a sheep
And you’ve entered my wolf den.

But my love is ice cream.
Brain-freezing.
Better straight to your head,
Than your hips.

Forgive forward thinking.
It’s just that
Planners like fences and 2.5
Puppies of course.

It’s my nature.
What’s next?
What now?
You’re out of your fucking mind.

I promise
I’m as in as a boy’s first time.
At least kind of.
But I’m drinking the kool-aid.
Less offended with every sip.

Proudly flaunting a pink mustache
For a spot in your distractions.

Using this as my diary…

I don’t do well with change. I am possibly making a huge change. I am definitely making some smaller changes. I have this horrible tendency to keep doing the same thing even when I’m unhappy because I fear any alternative. This causes me to get stuck in ruts. This causes me to waste precious time on permanently broken relationships. This sends me into the same patterns of up and down with my mama. 

There have been very few occasions where I’ve done anything out of the ordinary. It’s not that I’m a boring person. I like to think that there are some people that might even find me intriguing. I’m just not one for the unknown. I’m a compulsive planner. I need to know what’s next.

 

More importantly, I need to stop needing to know. I’m trying to recognize and appreciate that I am a forward thinker, but also not to decide that anything other than a planned path that I have already investigated will end in death and agony. I live my life with one foot in the nest. I’m always ready to jump back in, to go home, to snuggle with my puppy. 

I need to learn how to just- be. 

 

Breathing. Feeling. Experiencing. It’s so hard for me to let things be easy. I’m going to try very hard to start letting go- to start giving myself a little more slack.

 

It’s all going to work out. Eventually.