The Worst.

I have decided today that the worst part about breaking up with/taking a break from/no longer being together with someone is NOT how emotionally destroyed both parties feel, but it is in fact communicating this status change to other people.

There are various reactions that you may or may definitely encounter.

1.) The Pity Party: This person will play company to your misery, consoling you in a very public place. They will apologize for the lack of functionality in your relationship, and then ask you how you are doing. THIS is the most RIDICULOUS question to ask someone in said situation. Hmmm… Gee… I don’t know. I guess I feel really great about the loss of my companion. I’ve been sleeping well, and it’s definitely not consuming me. I haven’t been drinking at all, and I was born with the stress acne all over my face. Moral? Don’t ask. Anyways, the Pity Party will make a fabulously public ordeal out of their shock and surprise, presumably with a hand on your shoulder or forearm. In extreme cases, the entire conversation will happen during an embrace. Also, you will only ever encounter the Pity Party when you are in a hurry to get somewhere. Never convenient. Always a dreadful reminder of how terrible you’re actually feeling.

2.) The “Yeah, I Saw This Coming” (YISTC for brevity): This person will make no effort to hide the lack of surprise on their face. They will imply that they knew of your doom before you did, often times while iPhone multitasking. This person is just fabulous because by discrediting the emotional intensity, passion, and love in your forsaken relationship, you will feel compelled to rationalize with yourself. You will feel the need to internally prove that they could not have POSSIBLY seen this coming because you had the BEST RELATIONSHIP EVER. You will then spend the rest of the day resenting this person and convincing yourself that a terrible mistake has been made, and that you must get back together immediately.

3.) The Overly Inquisitive: This person will dig for the dirty details until they’re up to their elbows in shit. They will have no filter, and their not-so-secret agenda will of course be to choose a side. You will, of course, answer generically, and even go so far as to say that you would really rather not discuss it right now. They shan’t be giving a damn about that, my friend. It goes like this- I just really don’t feel like talking about it anymore. It’s been a long day. Then. Well has he talked to you since? Do you think he’s on the same page? Do you know if there is anyone else? As we say in the great metropolitan area of Boston, Fahhhhck you.

4.) The Overly Supportive Guy Friend: This should not surprise you. If you end it, they will come. Fortunately, this is only a temporary annoyance. Once they realize how much emotional baggage you have returned with from this relationship, they will once again remember that your tits are “just okay”. You must be sure to acquire as many free beverages before you break your cover.

5.) The Alcoholic: You will not need this person. Let me repeat, YOU WILL NOT NEED THIS PERSON. They’re first response will be drinking. They’re second response will be drunkenly hooking up with someone else. Again, YOU WILL NOT NEED THIS PERSON. If you’re drinking like you’re feeling, you really have no use for an enabler. They will dress you up like a Chinese hooker and promise you a night full of roofied mixed drinks at a college bar. Refrain. REFRAIN. And stay the FUCK away from other guys if you want any hope left to fix your own shit storm of a relationship.

You may be curious as to what the ideal response is.

It is this.

(Scrunched up Maroney disapproval mouth with kinder eyes. Arms uncrossed. Perhaps a brief hug)

That sucks so much. I’m sorry, girl. I hope you feel better. Let me know if you need to talk.

This way, you are not victimizing, hurting, insulting, or endangering the person, yet you still have a flicker of human empathy.

God knows that bitches love empathy.


About dochasann

Twenty years of trials and triumphs. Sociology major living in NYC. Overly cynical. Witty when I feel like it. Obsessed with my puppy.

2 thoughts on “The Worst.

  1. There are many truefacts here. I would even propose the following addition to the list:

    6.) The “You Didn’t Need Them Anyway”: Right, so apparently I don’t need them. Well, that’s all brilliant then, I’ll stop being upset because I didn’t need them anyway and so I must be CRAZY for being upset that they’re gone. This advice is usually followed by “Go out there and show them what they’re missing!” – yeah, because hooking up with some random boy/girl and flaunting them in front of your ex is a really ADULT thing to do, and will certainly make them want you back. But wait, I thought I didn’t need them, so why are you encouraging me to make them want me back? Oh, the hypocrisy!

  2. This is brilliant! It is so true, all of these responses are just bloody annoying, I particularly hate the whole ‘you’ll find someone else’ thing from the pity party, it’s just like ‘oh right, no way, I thought I’d now be alone forever!’ Someone’s told you they they saw it coming?! That’s just shocking, how exactly did they see it coming and why exactly are they telling you this, they are basically saying that your relationship looked crap for ages!

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