Grief.

Probably, this won’t be quirky or funny. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

He broke up with me. I won’t say that he dumped me. That seems too brutal for hist intentions. It’s the story that everyone knows. I’m just shocked that it is happening to me. I love him. He loves me. I don’t doubt this. But we are broken. This is my immaturity. I am the most impatient and unforgiving 20 year old that exists. We get spiteful and resentful, then end up exploding into each other’s faces. I think I need to remember how awful the last few weeks have been.

I’m just not mad anymore. I would take back every antagonizing thing that I’ve said to him to make this better. What sucks is that I know that’s not just it. The issues are bigger. The pain is deeper. The consequences are unfortunately more mature than our relationship could be.

The irony is that he is doing the mature adult thing. So many nights, I begged him to grow up. I guess he is.

What was a break became single-ness. It fucking sucks. I have been the single college girl. I’ve dated a ton of people, even slept with a few. I’ve gone out with my girl friends, been reckless and wild. I did that. I know what that is. I know what that feels like. I don’t want that anymore. I’m not saying that all single people go out and do reckless shit, I’m just saying that I found my always. The thought of another person even laying a finger on me makes me want to vomit. I don’t have “fear of missing out” because I was confident that even in the worst of moments, I had the best.

He hasn’t been single in college. He says he doesn’t want to end up resenting me or himself for missing out on that experience. I’m thinking, okay, seems rational. But then I have a briief reality moment where I realize how fucking naive I’m being. He says he wants our someday. And I acknowledge that it is NOT fucking working right now, but he also says don’t wait. Okay. I won’t. But what the fuck am I supposed to do?? I felt like I had to literally just give him the go ahead to be with other people. That makes me want to do lines of anthrax. This is me being negative. Yes. I just feel like, if you love me like you say that you do, you won’t be able to be with anyone else. That’s always been a simple argument for me. Perhaps I’m just old fashioned. I just don’t know if I’d be able to be with him again knowing that he was fucking other people in the interim. Maybe he won’t. Maybe he definitely will. I don’t think it will be soon, but I dread the day I find out about it. But at the same time, I love him enough to know how toxic this relationship is for him.

I don’t know what the right answer is for me in terms of how I carry on. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want anyone right now, I suppose technically. I can’t wait for him. I can’t move on. I fear that he will meet someone and move on, which will in time allow me to move on. OR he will hook up with a lot of girls, deem it not as good as expected, and then attempt to rekindle whatever it is that we just through the water over. I don’t think I’m capable of option 2.

In my perfect world, we spend a few months apart doing our own thing, being with friends, being introspective, realigning our priorities, doing school work, eating, sleeping, exercising, and then we talk. I’m overly optimistic. I need to just see this as the end. I need to accept that he probably isn’t coming back. Contemplating joining a convent.

As you can see, I played the role of toddler in this situation. I feel rejected. I wish I hated him. I wish it could have worked out the first time.

Most of all, I wish that I didn’t just lose my best friend.

So I shall spend the remainder of my night writing a Spanish paper as the rate of one conjugated verb per hour while trying to remember all of the painful things about our relationship, so as not to hate my current life.

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About dochasann

Twenty years of trials and triumphs. Sociology major living in NYC. Overly cynical. Witty when I feel like it. Obsessed with my puppy.

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