My nightmares are now just really vivd dreams of happy moments with my ex. Likely moments. Last night, I slept for 3 hours. All three hours were occupied by us getting drunk, getting into an argument, making up, making out, making….. and then waking up in the morning with his face on my pillow. I can pick out the exact pigmentation of his bare back. I can trace the curvature of his profile from memory. I know his touch. His breath. All of it returns to me in my sleep. I can actually feel him kissing me.

And then I wake up in a state of extreme paranoia…. worried that my dog has somehow made it into my room to lick my face….. I mean, these things happen…. but so far, it’s just my memory.

I’ve been a huge creep and have interpreted every dream I’ve had into those stupid online dictionaries. All that any of them say is “this means you love the person” or “this is a reflection of your longing to physically be with a certain person”. I was hoping for an “AHA” moment, like…. no shit that’s why I’m dreaming of that.

Just like ugggh, stop it! Out of sight out of mind? I thought. My mind is far too cunning for my own good. I have been getting better at burrying it. Except for… you know. Drunk texting like a dumbstupididiotbitch.

Cherry on top? Today is a would-be anniversary…. AS WELL as a 2.5 year anniversary to my best friend’s death. I’d write a long thing about Em, but something needs to go in to my ACTUAL diary.

Love and drugs,

Pandas and hugs,



About dochasann

Twenty years of trials and triumphs. Sociology major living in NYC. Overly cynical. Witty when I feel like it. Obsessed with my puppy.

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