Anyone else every get that feeling when you hug someone and you’re just like “why haven’t I been doing this forever”?
And then you realize that you weren’t a liar, but more of an optimist with a relationship.
Until you accidentally stumble upon your best friend spilling his guts to you. And then you feel like a liar, but only because you know that’s where you ought to be.
Well at least I can stop lying to myself.
Here’s to the boy who called me mom when I convinced myself that my ex got me pregnant.
The boy that put me to sleep when my head wouldn’t let me.
The boy that rubbed my back as sodexo ruined his toilet.
The boy that accidentally kissed my forehead when I left that February.
The boy that moved me into my single, but didn’t think to leave the big stuff out in the hall.
The boy that calls me Hauss.
The boy that refuses to hear the negative Nancy.
The boy that won’t let me date another Russian.
The boy that Momma already loves.
And the boy who can’t fry eggs.
I think I like that boy.
I’m only ever a means to an ending.
Nobody wins when I play.
I miss my friend a lot. How gay?
I’ve developed this perception of myself that I’m a really bad and selfish person- probably because people are always telling me that. I’m just getting to a place where I don’t think that’s true. I always try and think of other people when I’m making decisions. Sometimes I mess up, but doesn’t everyone?
Actually, I think I’m a good friend. I try to do things for my friends. I listen to them talk about shit that I don’t actually care about. I support them in their endeavors. I’m there to be cried on. I never bug people when they owe me stupid amounts of money. And then even when they are being fucking awful, insensitive, disrespectful, and hurtful to me, I don’t say anything.
I don’t stick up for myself because I’ve convinced myself that I deserve it.
For once in my life, I’m doing something that is ALL about me. People are going to be very angry about it because it affects them. I really just can’t care anymore. I get so much anxiety over upsetting people, or making them unhappy or angry with me. I don’t do things for myself. I don’t practice enough self care. I need space to just be alone, reflect, and breath.
My heart hurts from caring too much. I feel naive.
I can’t keep going out of my way to do things for people that would NEVER do the same for me.
Fuck. Get me out of here.