I’m feeling pretty pensive today. I’ve had a lot of people yelling at me and telling me to get my shit together…. So maybe it’s that, or maybe it’s that I want to get my shit together
The past month has been a pretty colorful downward spiral of me being a shitty friend, shitty roommate, and shitty person. I’ve been so lost in a thing that is NOT good for me, that I forgot to pay attention to any of the things that ARE good for me… like I don’t know, school work? Friends? My family?
So after being kicked into shape today… by myself, my mom, and my friends- I’ve decided to turn a new leaf… page? Chapter? Also I’ve come to the realization that I always talk in up-speak?
Anyways, my plan to be a better version of myself is being thrown into action today. I’ve blocked the ex on all social media outlets. I then texted him to not take it personally…. But that it was for me. No response. Obviously. So it’s quite a bit easier to be making healthy decisions when not being preoccupied in the shit show that was our fuckedup-lationship. I’ve realized that for the past month, my memory has been subjective, not objective. The last 6 months of our relationship were fighting, one-upping, arguing, and a lot of sex. The last part was great… the first parts were exhausting. I got to a good place with myself this summer, but I realize now that it probably had a lot to do with the fact that I had the most fulfilling and rewarding summer job (I worked in a group home), and that I had the most relaxed and distant relationship of my life. He lives 4.5 hours from me. I think I saw him 6 times in 3 months. We talked everyday…. But about boring shit. We weren’t around each other enough to get into huge blow outs. I realize that I’m ranting, but I needed a “diary” entry. So bear with me.
I realize that I’m probably being super negative towards that relationship because I want it to go away from my brain. I’m unfortunately still at the point where it hurts to see him. And sucks even more when people mention him. I still love him. I do. We had our moments of bliss and love, but the difference now is that I love him more like I love my brother- It’s very easy for me to get mad and pissed at him, but at the end of the day, I want him to be doing well, not dying, happy, and successful in his life. I spend half of the time wanting to hit him and the other half of the time making putting band-aids on his booboos. None of this is relevant at the moment though because he quite actually will not talk to me. For once, I actually think he’s doing the right thing. I prefer it. I feel like I can breathe. I can do my shit.
A very shitty aspect of this though is his sister. Like me, she has no sisters, and also like me, treats her brothers’ girlfriends very much like sisters. It went both ways. I have a stupid amount of life in common with her. I genuinely love her… let’s call her H for now. For a little background, she’s a college freshman. H was very sick a few weeks ago. My ex had the decency to tell me. I was worried crazy about her. I reached out and after a few week hiatus, we started catching up again. Her asking boy and life advice, and me feeling needed…. It’s a good thing. Although…. Why anyone would ask me for relationship advice is beyond me. But anyways, yesterday, she asked if I was coming for thanksgiving. It felt like I was ruining Santa… “Sorry love, but your brother and I aren’t really there anymore.” And what…. She was surprised? Apparently he had told her that we were doing better like a week ago…. But I realize now, that’s probably so he wouldn’t have to ‘ruin Christmas’.
Anyways, fuck all of this noise. It’s just a bad distraction. I’m trying this thing where I’m having a crush on one of my friends. It’s a strange thing… probably because it could be good for me? And that’s not a thing that I’m used to. Also it could be really bad if I fuck it up? Because he’s quite literally one of my best friends. Like, he’s heard every drawn out guy complaint, white girl problem, psychotic rant, irrational bitch session, and then recently, bashful Nora giggle session. I think I definitely have a thing for him. I think I’m definitely terrified of it. I think he definitely has a thing for me. I’m afraid of my other shit ruining it. Or of me ruining it. Mostly the second one. I kissed him. A lot. I don’t want to kiss other people, which I’ve decided is a good way to go in general because I have kissed WAY too many people recently. But also there is this weird thing where I don’t want to kiss other people because I actually care about the repercussions of that. I don’t mean what would happen to me, but like hurting him, and then also really regretting it. He knows where I’m at, which is refreshing… but also confusing because if I were him I would be SPRINTING in the other direction- neither here nor there. What I was trying to say was that it’s nice because I know that he’s not going to be like “DATE ME, BETCH”. That being said, I feel like this isn’t random enough to be a ‘random hook up’. Like we have sexual friendshion. We’re pretty good about keeping it under wraps in our extensive friend group, but I like him. I really do. I know I’m not ready to nose dive into anything, but I’m actually going to try and be open to something that could be a healthy and productive thing- a thing where neither of us is taking care of the other one, but just being friends. Being with each other…. From time to time… ya know? Is that so crazy? Maybe
Apologies to those who read this.
XOXO You know you sometimes love me, Nora.