Rant

I’ve developed this perception of myself that I’m a really bad and selfish person- probably because people are always telling me that. I’m just getting to a place where I don’t think that’s true. I always try and think of other people when I’m making decisions. Sometimes I mess up, but doesn’t everyone?

Actually, I think I’m a good friend. I try to do things for my friends. I listen to them talk about shit that I don’t actually care about. I support them in their endeavors. I’m there to be cried on. I never bug people when they owe me stupid amounts of money. And then even when they are being fucking awful, insensitive, disrespectful, and hurtful to me, I don’t say anything.

I don’t stick up for myself because I’ve convinced myself that I deserve it.

For once in my life, I’m doing something that is ALL about me. People are going to be very angry about it because it affects them. I really just can’t care anymore. I get so much anxiety over upsetting people, or making them unhappy or angry with me. I don’t do things for myself. I don’t practice enough self care. I need space to just be alone, reflect, and breath.

My heart hurts from caring too much. I feel naive.

I can’t keep going out of my way to do things for people that would NEVER do the same for me.

Fuck. Get me out of here.

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A brother’s worst nightmare
Finger slipped around a loop
Tugging closer towards freckles.
You shake.
Are you nervous?
Do I make you-

Interrupted by a smirking mouth.
As suave as a sheep
And you’ve entered my wolf den.

But my love is ice cream.
Brain-freezing.
Better straight to your head,
Than your hips.

Forgive forward thinking.
It’s just that
Planners like fences and 2.5
Puppies of course.

It’s my nature.
What’s next?
What now?
You’re out of your fucking mind.

I promise
I’m as in as a boy’s first time.
At least kind of.
But I’m drinking the kool-aid.
Less offended with every sip.

Proudly flaunting a pink mustache
For a spot in your distractions.

Using this as my diary…

I don’t do well with change. I am possibly making a huge change. I am definitely making some smaller changes. I have this horrible tendency to keep doing the same thing even when I’m unhappy because I fear any alternative. This causes me to get stuck in ruts. This causes me to waste precious time on permanently broken relationships. This sends me into the same patterns of up and down with my mama. 

There have been very few occasions where I’ve done anything out of the ordinary. It’s not that I’m a boring person. I like to think that there are some people that might even find me intriguing. I’m just not one for the unknown. I’m a compulsive planner. I need to know what’s next.

 

More importantly, I need to stop needing to know. I’m trying to recognize and appreciate that I am a forward thinker, but also not to decide that anything other than a planned path that I have already investigated will end in death and agony. I live my life with one foot in the nest. I’m always ready to jump back in, to go home, to snuggle with my puppy. 

I need to learn how to just- be. 

 

Breathing. Feeling. Experiencing. It’s so hard for me to let things be easy. I’m going to try very hard to start letting go- to start giving myself a little more slack.

 

It’s all going to work out. Eventually.

Here’s a thing that I wrote.

Draw me.

Run finger tips and small lips

Over a landscape of twisted bones.

 

Don’t worry.

And I exhale.

A song plays with a chorus of ‘run’.

But my eyes are closing,

My heavy head is falling.

 

Let’s just rest here for a while.

 

You know I could go if I wanted to!

But what’s an empty threat

To a room full of patient embraces?

Fine.

But you can’t make me say it.

 

I’ll hint, infer, and lead you to believe,

But fear is a disease.

Emotions induce choking.

Do you really want to kill me?

 

Know in my voice.

Feel in my trembling.

When cheeks turn pink and eyes are down,

Imagine my lips making those sounds.

Rage against the mean.

I feel so fucking disgusting and used and unworthy…. and it’s you’re fucking fault…. YES GUYS! AN OPEN LETTER.

 

How could you know so much about me and then use it against me? Like who the fuck are you. I’m  WAY too cute for you. Enjoy your fat chicks and drugs. I’ll enjoy my hot guys and drugs.

 

I just want to rage my face off. I’ll roll through the weekend.

 

 

Lol.

 

 

fuck.

‘Intrigued’ is too weak of a word.

I’m afraid I’m unafraid that this could be a good thing. 

 

That thing is the new thing. 

 

 

I’m also feeling pretty confident that despite any complaints about the paper thin walls and the volume of our cackling, my roomies are on board with this idea A HELL OF A LOT MORE than ones in the past. While I shouldn’t care what those biddies think, I live with them. And I love them. And so far this year, they’ve been the only ones who have accurately and objectively called every important thing that has happened to me this year. 

 

Moral of the story is that my roomies are psychics. Cool, right?

Long Winded Rants: State of the Union

I’m feeling pretty pensive today. I’ve had a lot of people yelling at me and telling me to get my shit together…. So maybe it’s that, or maybe it’s that I want to get my shit together

 

The past month has been a pretty colorful downward spiral of me being a shitty friend, shitty roommate, and shitty person. I’ve been so lost in a thing that is NOT good for me, that I forgot to pay attention to any of the things that ARE good for me… like I don’t know, school work? Friends? My family?

So after being kicked into shape today… by myself, my mom, and my friends- I’ve decided to turn a new leaf… page? Chapter? Also I’ve come to the realization that I always talk in up-speak?

Anyways, my plan to be a better version of myself is being thrown into action today. I’ve blocked the ex on all social media outlets. I then texted him to not take it personally…. But that it was for me. No response. Obviously. So it’s quite a bit easier to be making healthy decisions when not being preoccupied in the shit show that was our fuckedup-lationship. I’ve realized that for the past month, my memory has been subjective, not objective. The last 6 months of our relationship were fighting, one-upping, arguing, and a lot of sex. The last part was great… the first parts were exhausting. I got to a good place with myself this summer, but I realize now that it probably had a lot to do with the fact that I had the most fulfilling and rewarding summer job (I worked in a group home), and that I had the most relaxed and distant relationship of my life. He lives 4.5 hours from me. I think I saw him 6 times in 3 months. We talked everyday…. But about boring shit. We weren’t around each other enough to get into huge blow outs. I realize that I’m ranting, but I needed a “diary” entry. So bear with me.

 I realize that I’m probably being super negative towards that relationship because I want it to go away from my brain. I’m unfortunately still at the point where it hurts to see him. And sucks even more when people mention him. I still love him. I do. We had our moments of bliss and love, but the difference now is that I love him more like I love my brother- It’s very easy for me to get mad and pissed at him, but at the end of the day, I want him to be doing well, not dying, happy, and successful in his life. I spend half of the time wanting to hit him and the other half of the time making putting band-aids on his booboos. None of this is relevant at the moment though because he quite actually will not talk to me. For once, I actually think he’s doing the right thing. I prefer it. I feel like I can breathe. I can do my shit.

A very shitty aspect of this though is his sister. Like me, she has no sisters, and also like me, treats her brothers’ girlfriends very much like sisters. It went both ways. I have a stupid amount of life in common with her. I genuinely love her… let’s call her H for now. For a little background, she’s a college freshman. H was very sick a few weeks ago. My ex had the decency to tell me. I was worried crazy about her. I reached out and after a few week hiatus, we started catching up again. Her asking boy and life advice, and me feeling needed…. It’s a good thing. Although…. Why anyone would ask me for relationship advice is beyond me. But anyways, yesterday, she asked if I was coming for thanksgiving. It felt like I was ruining Santa… “Sorry love, but your brother and I aren’t really there anymore.” And what…. She was surprised? Apparently he had told her that we were doing better like a week ago…. But I realize now, that’s probably so he wouldn’t have to ‘ruin Christmas’.

Anyways, fuck all of this noise. It’s just a bad distraction. I’m trying this thing where I’m having a crush on one of my friends. It’s a strange thing… probably because it could be good for me? And that’s not a thing that I’m used to. Also it could be really bad if I fuck it up? Because he’s quite literally one of my best friends. Like, he’s heard every drawn out guy complaint, white girl problem, psychotic rant, irrational bitch session, and then recently, bashful Nora giggle session. I think I definitely have a thing for him. I think I’m definitely terrified of it. I think he definitely has a thing for me. I’m afraid of my other shit ruining it. Or of me ruining it. Mostly the second one. I kissed him. A lot. I don’t want to kiss other people, which I’ve decided is a good way to go in general because I have kissed WAY too many people recently. But also there is this weird thing where I don’t want to kiss other people because I actually care about the repercussions of that. I don’t mean what would happen to me, but like hurting him, and then also really regretting it. He knows where I’m at, which is refreshing… but also confusing because if I were him I would be SPRINTING in the other direction- neither here nor there. What I was trying to say was that it’s nice because I know that he’s not going to be like “DATE ME, BETCH”. That being said, I feel like this isn’t random enough to be a ‘random hook up’. Like we have sexual friendshion. We’re pretty good about keeping it under wraps in our extensive friend group, but I like him. I really do. I know I’m not ready to nose dive into anything, but I’m actually going to try and be open to something that could be a healthy and productive thing- a thing where neither of us is taking care of the other one, but just being friends. Being with each other…. From time to time… ya know? Is that so crazy? Maybe

               Apologies to those who read this.

XOXO You know you sometimes love me, Nora.